Update

I had a biopsy done on Thursday on what I know refer to as Lumpy.  It was a most unpleasant experience.

Two weeks ago, I had an appointment with my Endocrinologist's nurse practitioner.  While there, I pointed Lumpy out to her.  She was quite concerned about its size and consistency.  So she toted me off the ultrasound room and asked the Doctor himself to take a look at it.  He didn't like the look of it either and decided I needed a biopsy.  But first he wanted me to take a week's worth of antibiotics.

So I did and returned a week later.  Now I have had a biopsy on my neck before.  As previously mentioned, I have hypothyroidism.  As a result of this, I developed nodules on my thyroid that had to be biopsied by this same doctor.  And so I knew when he started pointing that needle at the wrong spot in my neck (at my thyroid) that it was possible he had forgotten the real reason for my biopsy was Lumpy.

I asked him and he didn't answer.  Really???  You have a biopsy needle needlessly aimed at the wrong area of my neck and I am suppose to just lay there and take it?  Guess so.  So I let him biopsy both sides of my thyroid and then he moved onto Lumpy.  Oh, did I forget to mention that my doctor doesn't do any numbing?  Oh.Dear.Sweet.Jesus.  It was painful.  I couldn't move my neck afterwards.  Ugh.  He normally has such a good bedside manner so this experience was very disappointing.

He never did explain why he biopsied my thyroid too.  Did he see something that concerned him when he looked at it with the ultrasound?  Did he want to make sure that if Lumpy is cancer that it didn't spread to my thyroid?  Was it just time for an annual biopsy on my nodule and no one told me?

Anyway, since then, Lumpy has been very mad.  He has grown so that anyone can tell he is there.  He has grown so much, that I physically can not move my neck completely and a constant pain shoots up my neck in the base of my brain giving me a migraine and also down my neck giving me pain in my upper back.

Of course, being an impatient internet junkie, I have been researching swollen lymph nodes non stop.  I don't like anything I see.  The worst case scenario is cancer.  The best case scenario is it is related to my Rheumatoid Arthritis and another form of the disease is exposing itself to me.

The cancer part doesn't scare me for the reasons it should.  It scares me because it could mean chemo and radiation.  This could mean dying eggs and waiting to conceive for 2 years after treatment is over.  Could this situation be any worse???

Oh the wonders of the body.  Do they EVER cease?  

Let's play a game

It's called how many health issues can one person have.

Ready?  Go.

I have RA, Hypothyroid, Degenerative Disk Disease, Sciatica, Chronic Epstein Barr Virus, Infertility, oh and now a HUGE lump in a lymph node in my neck that just won't go away.

Do you ever feel like someone has a voodoo doll of you?

Four years ago I had an accident that caused me to herniate 4 discs in my back, break my tailbone, and cause arthritis in my back along with a wicked case of sciatica shooting from my butt to my toes in my right leg, sometimes my left too.

A year later I was diagnosed with hypothyroid.  It took a year to get it under control.  Every once in a while, it acts up and I have to have my dosage increased.

Two years ago I was diagnosed with Chronic EBV (chronic mono).  I had been having horrible tiredness and every bone in my body was hurting.  It was severe.  I don't know if the three are connected or not, but at the time I was also diagnosed with tendinitis in my shoulder and a severe vitamin D deficiency.

Last year I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Probably the most debilitating of these issues.  And the one with the most consequences.

Do you see the pattern here?  Every year I am diagnosed with something new.  Can we please just skip a year?  How about you silly doctors diagnose me with PREGNANCY???

Despite all of these medical issues, it is still safe for me to get pregnant.  Can you believe that?  But a diagnosis of something lymphatic might stall that.  Or worse, even dash any dreams I had of being pregnant again.

I go for a biopsy this week.  I'll keep you informed of the results.  I have a follow up appointment with my Endo for it in two weeks.  Wish me luck.

A Cyst Warning

Don't look up Ovarian Cyst on Google Images.  (Don't click the link unless you want to throw up, pass out, lightheaded, pick one.)  I almost wish the internet blackout had included Google.

On a lighter and nicer search, Some news here about the cyst I have.  It is a Corpus Luteum (functional) cyst.

Amazing how taking Clomid most likely contributed to this.  Nothing to do but sit it out.

Scratch that

Went to my appointment with the RE today.  Good news?  9 follies on the left side.  Bad news?  Very large cyst on the right side.  3cm.

Cancelled.  Cancelled before we even got started.

There will be no tries this month.  The cyst is not only too large, but if we were to continue with treatment this month, it could get larger.  Doctor is afraid it could take my ovary with it.

He is optimistic that it will go away on its own and we can do this all over again next month.

WTF.  Can't anything go right?  I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  I had a surprising amount of pain the last week that I chalked up to the procedure.  Now that the doctor has described everything to me, the twinges of pain I felt over the last week have been the cyst.  Ugh.

This page might be quiet for the next few weeks.  Then again, I might think of some content.  I don't know yet.

*Edited for bad grammar and stuff*

Cycle Day 2; Cycle 2

Well, it's official, a little late, but official.  Aunt Flo came to visit yesterday.  So I have to give the RE a call today and get this cycle started.  Fingers crossed for this one folks.

Cycle Day 35.5

Why the .5 you say?  Because I think I am getting my period!  Woo Hoo!  Never thought I would be so happy to see it again.  Once it is really here, we start a new cycle all over again.  But I tend to spot for a couple of days before getting what a professional would call a period so my cycle doesn't actually start until then.

The hubby and I discussed being supportive of each other yesterday.  He turned into Super Supportive Hubby and brought me home some gifts!  One of those gifts was a little Eeyore teddy bear.  I use to be collect Eeyores.  People would buy them for me all the time and the collection got out of control.  So I stopped collecting and they reside in a box in the garage.  But I think I will hold onto this one to give to our child when we are blessed with one.

Cycle Day 35

Big.Fat.Negative.  BFN.  Negative.  Opposite of positive.

That's it folks, this cycle didn't work.  I was really hoping to be one of those couples that pregnant on the first try.  But I guess I don't deserve that happiness or something.

My husband must be okay with it because when I told him this morning, he didn't say a word.  Nothing.  Silence.  As if I hadn't said anything at all.  Whatever.

I just don't want to deal with people today.  I didn't tell ANYONE about my negative on Sunday.  I didn't want to hear their sentiments.  I didn't want the disappointment to be real.  I guess there is no avoiding it today.

I just don't want to hear another "Oh, I'm sorry that you feel sad.  Why aren't you just happy that you already have a child?  Most people in your situation don't have that."  This coming from a good friend that I work with. I understand that she was trying to be supportive, but may I suggest she quit it?

You have no idea how it feels, people, to want to experience the joys of pregnancy, childbirth, and raising a child with someone you love.  When I got pregnant with my son at 19, I had to hide from the father for fear he would murder me.  I had to do it alone (although my mom was very supportive).  I didn't have someone that was all excited and rubbing my belly and putting their mouth up to my tummy to talk to our child.  I didn't have someone that could help at night with a feeding so I could sleep.  I didn't have someone that could play the bad guy every now and then when my son did wrong.  I didn't have that extra person to help bring in extra money.

Yes, it was my choice to have my son on my own.  One that I will never regret.  But one I learned from.  I learned that I wanted those things.  And because I learned those things, I learned that I had to wait to have more children until I found someone that could give me those things and love.  And I waited.  And when he finally came along when my son was 6, neither of us were ready for marriage and a baby and it took us a few years.  So now I am feeling the crunch.

I never wanted to be an only child.  I have felt so bad over the past few years that my son doesn't have a sibling.  It was the one thing I had promised myself from the time I was a little girl, that my children would never be that lonely.  A parent can only fill that void so much.  My son desperately wants a brother, but he'll take a sister if he has to.

I don't want to keep on whining about it anymore.  Time to move on and start the next cycle.  Hey!  The good news is that I can stop the progesterone suppositories.

This sucks.

Cycle Day 33

Today is the day that I was going to retest.

I am too scared.  I am not ready to see a negative again.  At this point, I am sure I am not pregnant.  I have convinced myself to protect myself.

Is there a glimmer of hope?  Of course, otherwise I would quit the progesterone now and let the next cycle begin.  But alas, I will not stop the progesterone until at least the 12th, 2 whole days earlier than the doctor said to test.  I will test on the 12th and if it is negative, it is negative.

If it is positive, I will be overjoyed!

Cycle Day 32

One of major effects of the IUI I haven't posted about is the cramping.  The doctor informed me I might have some cramping while he jammed the sperm up there.  He did not tell me that I might cramp for a week however.

Don't get me wrong, the cramping isn't unmanageable.  It is annoying.  Oh except when having sex.  Ouch!  But the cramping was an unnecessary effect in my eyes.

I did some research on why I had some cramping.  What I came up with is that it is normal.  Typically sperm enters through the vagina and the cervix "washes" the sperm for you.  However, you kinda skip that with IUI.  Instead, a technician in the lab "washes" the sperm for you and then they inject it.  If the sperm is not washed, you will most likely experience cramping.  This is because there is stuff on the sperm that the cervix would take off if the cervix had been given a chance.

During my research, I discovered that if you ask the clinic to wash the sperm (spin it around) a little extra, you are less likely to experience this cramping.

It is looking like we will have that chance to ask for an extra wash.

Although you could have fooled me, I don't think I am pregnant.  I used a home pregnancy test yesterday despite my better judgement.  That would be 10 days post IUI (10dpiui).  It was negative.  I will still test on the 12th or maybe just the 14th to make sure, but things are not looking up.

More from Cycle Day 28

Last night my husband and I got into it about baby names.  I was in a girly mood with all of these hormones and asked what names he likes.

Let's pretend his name is Jones.  My father's name is also Jones.  My son's middle name is Jones.  His son's name is Jones.  His father's name was Jones.  Well, we have obviously managed to get a few Joneses (wow, did not mean to make a pun there!).

Anyway, he said we should name all of our boys Jones.  "Keep up the lineage" he says.  Dude, you've already ensured that your first name will go somewhere.  Your first son is already named Jones.  What.  The.  Hell.  I am not going to be one of "those parents" that subject their children/ families to such ridicule because my husband loves his name so much.

Besides, how would your son Jones feel when he finds out you named your next son the same name?  Given the strange circumstances around the current relationship they have, I would think the child would feel replaced somehow.  Just doesn't seem right.  And I don't want to do it anyway.

Then we get into girl names.  He thinks it should have an "x" or a "v" in it.  Or it should be some exotic car like Mercedes, Lexus, Audi.  I thought I had married a 32 year old MAN.  What happened to him?  Is he on his own set of strange behavior hormones?  I seriously started second guessing my choice to have his children.  Started wondering if I should orchestrate a marital separation before each baby's birth.

My husband can get to kidding around and make it look 100% real.  So I kept asking him to stop kidding because it was starting to stress me out.  But he was serious!  Or at least, he kept acting serious.  And I can usually tell when its an act.  But, boy, he had (and still has) me fooled into believing these shenanigans might last.  God help me if that's true!

Cycle Day 28

I soldier on through this progesterone stuff like I have nothing to lose.  Let's face it, I have nothing to lose.

I have been so tired.  Absolutely exhausted, but unable to sleep.  I broke down the other night and took an Ambien.  I just needed sleep.  Made me feel like a hypocrite though.  I don't advocate using such strong substances during pregnancy.  But I justified it by saying, I am not pregnant yet.  Implantation shouldn't start until at least today.

I have also been having headaches.  They are quite ferocious and I had to take a Tylenol to ease my pain.  Another feel guilty moment.  

My boobs have been itchy.  I don't think they've grown (thank God) and they don't feel any more sore than normal.  But itch they do.  

I thought it might be helpful for those that haven't started these treatments to get an idea of what they look like.  Please excuse the picture quality.  I took them in low lighting with an older model iPhone.

Progesterone Suppositories
Kept in fridge and taken out when needed

Progesterone Suppository
Looks like a mini joint or a poorly designed bullet

Unwrapped Progesterone Suppository

Ovidrel
See, I told you the needle was tiny!

Cycle Day 24-37

So we are in the 2WW (two week wait).  And it sucks.  Not knowing sucks.  I can't wait to test.  But my little instruction sheet said not to test until 1/14.  Torture.  Plain and simple.

I could test earlier, but here's the thing.  The trigger shot is made of HCG, the very same hormone that pregnancy tests test for.  So I could get a false positive and that would be a huge let down if it turned out that I really wasn't preggers.

In the meantime, I have filled my wait with distractions like going to the movies only to leave the movie every half hour to pee.  Reading forums that I have been lurking on.  Not lurking by choice, but because for some reason, I can't get them to send me an activation code so I can start posting.  I have tried over and over to no avail.  Oh and doing some research on what could possibly be going on with our egg and sperm.

Guess I am gaining some valuable patience.  Don't know how long I can really wait.  I will most likely test on the 12th since that will be 14 days from trigger.  Maybe even sooner.

No matter what I have to test again on the 14th and if it is positive, I go to my RE for first beta test.  Then again in 2 days for 2nd beta test.  If all is well with those numbers, go back later this month for ultrasound to determine how many implanted.

If it's negative, I stop the progesterone suppositories and wait for my period to begin the 2nd cycle.  Fingers crossed we don't have to do a second cycle.

Cycle Day 23

Today started progesterone suppositories.  I kept ready that they were nasty little buggers, but I think I have seen worse.  As a healthcare worker myself, I know that every pharmacy makes them differently on their own recipe based on the doctor's orders, but I can't imagine there is THAT much of a difference.

The only noticeable effects so far for me have been odd.  After I pee, a quick check of the toilet looks like someone dumped cottage cheese in there.  Oh and after several days of personal deliberation, I have decided that my urine smells like a breastfed baby's poop.  Not completely horrible, but not great either.  Also, I have had to pee as soon as I pee, just like when I was pregnant with my son 12 years ago.

Cycle Day 21

Insemination Day!

My hubby went in early to provide a sample.  Between then and my arrival, they washed his sample.

When we went into the room when it was finally time to give me a baby, the doctor showed me the paper with hubby's results and asked me to look at his name.  "Is this your husband?" he asked.  I wanted to point to my hubby and say "No, that's my hubby.  What you have there is a piece of paper with my hubby's name on it."  But I didn't.  I did however give a verbal acknowledgment that indeed that piece of paper was my husband.

Then he showed me the sample and with the label turned away from said "Is this your husband?".  Again, I resisted the urge to say something like "Am I suppose to recognize his sperm?".  But the doctor turned the label to me before I could utter the words.  Acknowledged verbally that yes, that vial was my husband.

Then it was legs in the stirrups, hubby holding my hand, speculum inserted, catheter inserted.  He told me I might feel some cramping as he pushed my husband's man juice in.  And there was a little cramping.  But it was manageable.

That was it.  I was told to lay there for 10 minutes.  Hubby joked around that he should have been allowed to do me while my legs were in the stirrups, but he's an ahole.  My Ahole.

The nurse came in 10 minutes later and gave us an instruction sheet.  Sex tonight "just in case", progesterone suppositories starting in two days.  We were on our way!

For those of you that are curious about IUI and haven't done it or researched it much, I found a cool youtube video that says it all.

Cycle Day 19

Ultrasound day!  Again!  but this time, my beautiful follies were 23 & 25!  We are a go for insemination on Thursday!  Cautiously Optimistic that this cycle will work.  Don't want to be all negative about it, but don't want to get my hopes up either.

Doctor gave the okay to do the trigger shot (Ovidrel).  It was so easy and painless.  Unreal.  I was able to administer the dose to myself with hubby squinting in the background.  Nothing to it!

Clomid Days 1-5 (Take 2), Cycle Days 13-18

Nothing special just more Clomid.  Again.

Cycle Day 12

So this is where the second part of our story starts folks.  What was suppose to be an exciting day of discovering how well my eggs did, turned into crap.

Went in at 11 on Tuesday for an ultrasound.  The ultrasound was suppose to verify that eggs were ready, I could trigger that night and insemination would happen Thursday.  I was pretty excited to get the ball rolling.

That's not what happened.  After twisting his uber huge ultrasound wand around in my lady parts, he told me that my follies were 10, 11, & 12 mm.  in case you don't know, my RE wants them to be at 18mm+ when taking Clomid.

He discussed cancelling the cycle.  I was devastated.  He suggested we cancel, wait for my period to return and start again next month.  If my period did not come on its own, he would induce it.

I think I looked pathetic sitting there.  He took sympathy on me and started thinking about what else we could do.  He suggested going back on the Clomid, only a higher dosage for another 5 days.  Ultrasound in 7.

Ugh.  Back on the Clomid I went.

Cycle Day 10

This day began with an early morning blood test for round two of FSH labs for the Clomid Citrate Challenge Test.  Had to drive pretty far to get there so I was awake at 7 on a Sunday morning.  Ugh.  I work really early (5 AM) on workdays so it sucks when I can't sleep in on the weekends!

Clomid Day 5

Clomid day five went fine.  I received my Saturday delivery of Ovidrel and Progesterone suppositories just fine in a refrigerated package along with a sharps container and sterile wipes.  In addition, my pharmacy benefits manager (Caremark) also sent some infertility pamphlets.  As of the 1st of the year, they are no longer my rx admin, thank goodness.