Limbo

I kinda feel in limbo these days.  Trying to recover and trying to figure out when to start trying again.  A part of me feels like we didn't get pregnant last time for a reason.  If I had been pregnant during this whole lymph node situation, what would have happened?  But now that it is over *fingers crossed*, we will have to pay off those medical bills before moving onto trying to conceive again.  It kinda works out okay.  We didn't want another December baby in the family so not getting pregnant this month or the next isn't the end of the world, but it feels like wasted time.

Of course, with our luck, this would be the month we got pregnant on our own, you know, us who were told we have less than a 3% chance of getting pregnant on our own???  But I would be ecstatic and I know my husband would be too.

Cycle Day 35.5

Why the .5 you say?  Because I think I am getting my period!  Woo Hoo!  Never thought I would be so happy to see it again.  Once it is really here, we start a new cycle all over again.  But I tend to spot for a couple of days before getting what a professional would call a period so my cycle doesn't actually start until then.

The hubby and I discussed being supportive of each other yesterday.  He turned into Super Supportive Hubby and brought me home some gifts!  One of those gifts was a little Eeyore teddy bear.  I use to be collect Eeyores.  People would buy them for me all the time and the collection got out of control.  So I stopped collecting and they reside in a box in the garage.  But I think I will hold onto this one to give to our child when we are blessed with one.

Cycle Day 35

Big.Fat.Negative.  BFN.  Negative.  Opposite of positive.

That's it folks, this cycle didn't work.  I was really hoping to be one of those couples that pregnant on the first try.  But I guess I don't deserve that happiness or something.

My husband must be okay with it because when I told him this morning, he didn't say a word.  Nothing.  Silence.  As if I hadn't said anything at all.  Whatever.

I just don't want to deal with people today.  I didn't tell ANYONE about my negative on Sunday.  I didn't want to hear their sentiments.  I didn't want the disappointment to be real.  I guess there is no avoiding it today.

I just don't want to hear another "Oh, I'm sorry that you feel sad.  Why aren't you just happy that you already have a child?  Most people in your situation don't have that."  This coming from a good friend that I work with. I understand that she was trying to be supportive, but may I suggest she quit it?

You have no idea how it feels, people, to want to experience the joys of pregnancy, childbirth, and raising a child with someone you love.  When I got pregnant with my son at 19, I had to hide from the father for fear he would murder me.  I had to do it alone (although my mom was very supportive).  I didn't have someone that was all excited and rubbing my belly and putting their mouth up to my tummy to talk to our child.  I didn't have someone that could help at night with a feeding so I could sleep.  I didn't have someone that could play the bad guy every now and then when my son did wrong.  I didn't have that extra person to help bring in extra money.

Yes, it was my choice to have my son on my own.  One that I will never regret.  But one I learned from.  I learned that I wanted those things.  And because I learned those things, I learned that I had to wait to have more children until I found someone that could give me those things and love.  And I waited.  And when he finally came along when my son was 6, neither of us were ready for marriage and a baby and it took us a few years.  So now I am feeling the crunch.

I never wanted to be an only child.  I have felt so bad over the past few years that my son doesn't have a sibling.  It was the one thing I had promised myself from the time I was a little girl, that my children would never be that lonely.  A parent can only fill that void so much.  My son desperately wants a brother, but he'll take a sister if he has to.

I don't want to keep on whining about it anymore.  Time to move on and start the next cycle.  Hey!  The good news is that I can stop the progesterone suppositories.

This sucks.

More from Cycle Day 28

Last night my husband and I got into it about baby names.  I was in a girly mood with all of these hormones and asked what names he likes.

Let's pretend his name is Jones.  My father's name is also Jones.  My son's middle name is Jones.  His son's name is Jones.  His father's name was Jones.  Well, we have obviously managed to get a few Joneses (wow, did not mean to make a pun there!).

Anyway, he said we should name all of our boys Jones.  "Keep up the lineage" he says.  Dude, you've already ensured that your first name will go somewhere.  Your first son is already named Jones.  What.  The.  Hell.  I am not going to be one of "those parents" that subject their children/ families to such ridicule because my husband loves his name so much.

Besides, how would your son Jones feel when he finds out you named your next son the same name?  Given the strange circumstances around the current relationship they have, I would think the child would feel replaced somehow.  Just doesn't seem right.  And I don't want to do it anyway.

Then we get into girl names.  He thinks it should have an "x" or a "v" in it.  Or it should be some exotic car like Mercedes, Lexus, Audi.  I thought I had married a 32 year old MAN.  What happened to him?  Is he on his own set of strange behavior hormones?  I seriously started second guessing my choice to have his children.  Started wondering if I should orchestrate a marital separation before each baby's birth.

My husband can get to kidding around and make it look 100% real.  So I kept asking him to stop kidding because it was starting to stress me out.  But he was serious!  Or at least, he kept acting serious.  And I can usually tell when its an act.  But, boy, he had (and still has) me fooled into believing these shenanigans might last.  God help me if that's true!