Cycle Day 35

Big.Fat.Negative.  BFN.  Negative.  Opposite of positive.

That's it folks, this cycle didn't work.  I was really hoping to be one of those couples that pregnant on the first try.  But I guess I don't deserve that happiness or something.

My husband must be okay with it because when I told him this morning, he didn't say a word.  Nothing.  Silence.  As if I hadn't said anything at all.  Whatever.

I just don't want to deal with people today.  I didn't tell ANYONE about my negative on Sunday.  I didn't want to hear their sentiments.  I didn't want the disappointment to be real.  I guess there is no avoiding it today.

I just don't want to hear another "Oh, I'm sorry that you feel sad.  Why aren't you just happy that you already have a child?  Most people in your situation don't have that."  This coming from a good friend that I work with. I understand that she was trying to be supportive, but may I suggest she quit it?

You have no idea how it feels, people, to want to experience the joys of pregnancy, childbirth, and raising a child with someone you love.  When I got pregnant with my son at 19, I had to hide from the father for fear he would murder me.  I had to do it alone (although my mom was very supportive).  I didn't have someone that was all excited and rubbing my belly and putting their mouth up to my tummy to talk to our child.  I didn't have someone that could help at night with a feeding so I could sleep.  I didn't have someone that could play the bad guy every now and then when my son did wrong.  I didn't have that extra person to help bring in extra money.

Yes, it was my choice to have my son on my own.  One that I will never regret.  But one I learned from.  I learned that I wanted those things.  And because I learned those things, I learned that I had to wait to have more children until I found someone that could give me those things and love.  And I waited.  And when he finally came along when my son was 6, neither of us were ready for marriage and a baby and it took us a few years.  So now I am feeling the crunch.

I never wanted to be an only child.  I have felt so bad over the past few years that my son doesn't have a sibling.  It was the one thing I had promised myself from the time I was a little girl, that my children would never be that lonely.  A parent can only fill that void so much.  My son desperately wants a brother, but he'll take a sister if he has to.

I don't want to keep on whining about it anymore.  Time to move on and start the next cycle.  Hey!  The good news is that I can stop the progesterone suppositories.

This sucks.

Cycle Day 33

Today is the day that I was going to retest.

I am too scared.  I am not ready to see a negative again.  At this point, I am sure I am not pregnant.  I have convinced myself to protect myself.

Is there a glimmer of hope?  Of course, otherwise I would quit the progesterone now and let the next cycle begin.  But alas, I will not stop the progesterone until at least the 12th, 2 whole days earlier than the doctor said to test.  I will test on the 12th and if it is negative, it is negative.

If it is positive, I will be overjoyed!

Cycle Day 32

One of major effects of the IUI I haven't posted about is the cramping.  The doctor informed me I might have some cramping while he jammed the sperm up there.  He did not tell me that I might cramp for a week however.

Don't get me wrong, the cramping isn't unmanageable.  It is annoying.  Oh except when having sex.  Ouch!  But the cramping was an unnecessary effect in my eyes.

I did some research on why I had some cramping.  What I came up with is that it is normal.  Typically sperm enters through the vagina and the cervix "washes" the sperm for you.  However, you kinda skip that with IUI.  Instead, a technician in the lab "washes" the sperm for you and then they inject it.  If the sperm is not washed, you will most likely experience cramping.  This is because there is stuff on the sperm that the cervix would take off if the cervix had been given a chance.

During my research, I discovered that if you ask the clinic to wash the sperm (spin it around) a little extra, you are less likely to experience this cramping.

It is looking like we will have that chance to ask for an extra wash.

Although you could have fooled me, I don't think I am pregnant.  I used a home pregnancy test yesterday despite my better judgement.  That would be 10 days post IUI (10dpiui).  It was negative.  I will still test on the 12th or maybe just the 14th to make sure, but things are not looking up.

Cycle Day 24-37

So we are in the 2WW (two week wait).  And it sucks.  Not knowing sucks.  I can't wait to test.  But my little instruction sheet said not to test until 1/14.  Torture.  Plain and simple.

I could test earlier, but here's the thing.  The trigger shot is made of HCG, the very same hormone that pregnancy tests test for.  So I could get a false positive and that would be a huge let down if it turned out that I really wasn't preggers.

In the meantime, I have filled my wait with distractions like going to the movies only to leave the movie every half hour to pee.  Reading forums that I have been lurking on.  Not lurking by choice, but because for some reason, I can't get them to send me an activation code so I can start posting.  I have tried over and over to no avail.  Oh and doing some research on what could possibly be going on with our egg and sperm.

Guess I am gaining some valuable patience.  Don't know how long I can really wait.  I will most likely test on the 12th since that will be 14 days from trigger.  Maybe even sooner.

No matter what I have to test again on the 14th and if it is positive, I go to my RE for first beta test.  Then again in 2 days for 2nd beta test.  If all is well with those numbers, go back later this month for ultrasound to determine how many implanted.

If it's negative, I stop the progesterone suppositories and wait for my period to begin the 2nd cycle.  Fingers crossed we don't have to do a second cycle.