Surgery Tomorrow

Thank God this will be over tomorrow.  Yeah, there will be recovery, but I am just so over this Lumph!  I keep thinking that maybe God didn't let us get pregnant because this was going to happen.  So we should be good to have a baby after this is over.

This weekend has been crazy.  Family is visiting from all over.  My son broke his arm Friday after school (first broken bone, 1000th ER visit).  While babysitting our nephew, he woke up crying in horrible pain so we took him to the ER Saturday morning. Turns out he has a distended bladder.  Oh Sweet Jesus!  What is next?!?!?!?

Nothing.  Peace and quiet is next.  Please?

Oh, did I forget to mention that I am having surgery tomorrow and of course, I get my period late yesterday.  It's a week late.  Last week I kept saying to myself, either I'll get really lucky and it won't come until after the surgery or Mother Nature will play a cruel joke on me and it will come head on right before surgery.  If ever there is uncertainty, just pick the worst case scenario.

Cycle Day 35

Big.Fat.Negative.  BFN.  Negative.  Opposite of positive.

That's it folks, this cycle didn't work.  I was really hoping to be one of those couples that pregnant on the first try.  But I guess I don't deserve that happiness or something.

My husband must be okay with it because when I told him this morning, he didn't say a word.  Nothing.  Silence.  As if I hadn't said anything at all.  Whatever.

I just don't want to deal with people today.  I didn't tell ANYONE about my negative on Sunday.  I didn't want to hear their sentiments.  I didn't want the disappointment to be real.  I guess there is no avoiding it today.

I just don't want to hear another "Oh, I'm sorry that you feel sad.  Why aren't you just happy that you already have a child?  Most people in your situation don't have that."  This coming from a good friend that I work with. I understand that she was trying to be supportive, but may I suggest she quit it?

You have no idea how it feels, people, to want to experience the joys of pregnancy, childbirth, and raising a child with someone you love.  When I got pregnant with my son at 19, I had to hide from the father for fear he would murder me.  I had to do it alone (although my mom was very supportive).  I didn't have someone that was all excited and rubbing my belly and putting their mouth up to my tummy to talk to our child.  I didn't have someone that could help at night with a feeding so I could sleep.  I didn't have someone that could play the bad guy every now and then when my son did wrong.  I didn't have that extra person to help bring in extra money.

Yes, it was my choice to have my son on my own.  One that I will never regret.  But one I learned from.  I learned that I wanted those things.  And because I learned those things, I learned that I had to wait to have more children until I found someone that could give me those things and love.  And I waited.  And when he finally came along when my son was 6, neither of us were ready for marriage and a baby and it took us a few years.  So now I am feeling the crunch.

I never wanted to be an only child.  I have felt so bad over the past few years that my son doesn't have a sibling.  It was the one thing I had promised myself from the time I was a little girl, that my children would never be that lonely.  A parent can only fill that void so much.  My son desperately wants a brother, but he'll take a sister if he has to.

I don't want to keep on whining about it anymore.  Time to move on and start the next cycle.  Hey!  The good news is that I can stop the progesterone suppositories.

This sucks.

Clomid Day 2

Yesterday wasn't bad at all.  I didn't have any side effects.  That was a nice change.

Later in the day, my RE office called and asked if we could change my HSG appointment on Friday to an earlier time because the doctor was scheduled for surgery later.  I thought for a split second how that could be me waiting for surgery and immediately agreed to change the time even though I will have to leave work early.  Oh well.  Not a big deal.

I explained all of this fertility stuff to my son.  As much as a preteen should know at least.  He can't wait to be a big brother and has been begging me for years to have more children.  Of course, he would prefer a brother, but little does he know, I am secretly hoping our first together will be a girl.